The English Wave

Nothing to do with a flood of my countrymen heading Poland-ward but the physical action of moving your hand about in such a way as to express greetings or goodbyes. English people do it a lot and Polish people seem to do it hardly at all. It’s another one of those very simple cultural differences, like the passing on the opposite side thing, that has taken me an age to consciously notice.

For a long time I’ve had the nagging feeling that Polish people were rather stiff and ineffectual when it came to saying goodbye, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. As Jerry Seinfeld might have said – they just seemed to be bad parters. It was only after a short period in which the ever winsome A used to catch a bus home every night, and I often escorted her to the bus stop, that I became dimly aware of it. A quick kiss, and possibly a clutch of the forearm, and she would hare off to leap on the bus before it left without her. I would stand and watch her go expecting her to turn at the last minute and wave before boarding. She never did. I would linger for a few more seconds expecting her to duck down and give me a quick wave out the window. She never did that either. As her bus lumbered into the distance belching blue smoke I would shuffle off despondently, my hand unwaved, feeling slightly foolish. At the time, I didn’t think about it in this way. I wasn’t consciously aware that I was waiting for a wave; I just had the vague feeling that I’d been rebuffed. It was only some time later sitting on a train as it trundled out of Kraków Główny on its way to Warsaw that it struck me. A young girl was saying goodbye to her beau through the window. They mimed kisses, they tapped on the glass, they winked and slow-blinked (a classic Polish gesture), but they didn’t wave. Had they been English they’re arms would have been waggling around like rushes in a gale as a final gesture. Not a sausage.

Of course there’s a very good reason for the dearth of Polish waves (apart from the one causing right-wing newspapers in the UK to knot their panties). The reason being that Polish people have other perfectly good gestures that they use in preference. Let’s look at these one at a time (didn’t you just know a numbered list was imminent).

1. The Slow Blink
This has become so familiar to me that I almost don’t consciously notice it anymore. To perform the Polish Slow Blink lift your chin and tilt your head back slightly and curtly while closing both eyes slowly but momentarily. You should keep your gaze fixed on the departee throughout and wear the same expression you would when delivering a quick kiss, otherwise you’ll just look like a fool trying to swallow an oversized Polo mint.

The only problem with this gesture is that it’s also used sarcastically to mean “If you say so, but I think you’re completely brain dead.” If a Pole does this to you at anytime other than a goodbye scene, they’re extracting the Michael and one is perfectly justified in slapping them about a bit.

I should also note that it seems to be an exclusively male gesture. I don’t remember ever seeing a woman do it, but I could be wrong. Done correctly it makes you look cool, intimate, but not overly-concerned. I practice in front of the mirror all the time, but this is hard to do because one’s eyes are closed at the crucial moment if you do it right.

2. The Handshake
Any Brit who’s been in Poland more than 10 minutes quickly realizes that the handshake is used far more liberally and indiscriminately here than it is back home. This is true across much of Europe, but it still takes us islanders a fair while to get used to. In Poland you shake hands with people you don’t know, people you know well, people you know vaguely, and people you once saw on the bus, and what’s more you do it almost every time you meet them. To an Englishman the handshake is a gesture of considerable seriousness. You only shake hands with someone you are being introduced to for the first time, with an old friend after not having seen them for a long time, or with the same friend you are saying goodbye to expecting not to see them for a long time (even this is considered to be a tad excessive in some circles). The only other occasion on which handshaking is acceptable is as a peace-making gesture, as in the phrase “shake hands and make up.”

A Polish person refusing to shake hands. There are all kinds of cultural misunderstandings going on here; but they are footballers so it’s safer just to sit back and laugh.

The Polish handshaking rules cause chaos among Brits living in Poland. We can handle adopting these rules when interacting with the locals, but there’s a terrible temptation to carry it over to fellow countrymen here as well which causes a great deal of uncertain fumbling about and social awkwardness. Some Brits take to it like a duck to water and act as if they’ve longed to shake hands with everyone around them all their lives while others refuse to have anything to do with it.

Once again this is largely a male preserve and I think, although I’m not certain, that the handshake is more significant as a greeting than it is as a goodbye.

3. The Kiss
I’m not going to try going into this too deeply because it’s been written about ad nauseam in a hundred other places about numerous other countries (usually France in the case of British readers). Two kisses, three kisses, five kisses, whatever your poison, it just doesn’t work with Brits. We greet-kiss our Mums, our sisters, and our nieces, and that’s it. The main problem is that, outside of these three aforementioned categories, a kiss is essentially sexual for a British guy. Kissing your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other is a different thing from kissing your Mum/sister/neice and it’s very confusing when one is called upon to kiss a female friend. I never know what to do with my hands. Kiss your girlfriend and your hands go to her waist (at the lowest heat setting). When I have to kiss a female friend in Poland the hands just do they’re own thing and I’m often horrified to note that they’ve made straight for the hip. The brain is otherwise engaged in negotiating the whole ‘where to plant the lips’ problem and has no say in the matter.

(I tried searching for pics of “Polish kissing” but the Google results tended to concentrate on activities between scantily-clad women that threatened to keep me occupied for far too long. So I gave up)

And now the English list:

A. The Straight-Hand Wave
As I’ve been writing this I’ve realized that I’m writing entirely from the male perspective. What can I do? I’ve decided to abandon any pretense of being universal and just go with it. The Straight-Hand Wave is a typical male British gesture of parting. To perform: lift the right forearm at right angles to the upper arm and present the palm of the hand, fingers together and thumb separate, to the departee. Do not wave or move the hand and hold the gesture for a maximum of 2 seconds. At the same time turn your face in the direction you are going and do not make eye contact with the departee. To a Polish person I suspect this looks a lot like the gesture for “shut up, I’m not listening to you” which can cause problems.

I have no idea who this guy is, but that’s a classic Straight-Hand Wave in my book. Perhaps just a little too much eye contact.

(Breaking news: As I was writing the ever beguiling A popped in unexpectedly for half an hour rather than wait for a tram in the cold. I showed her what I was working on and we chatted briefly about the office party she had just left. I showed her to the door, received a very nice kiss or two (hands on hips), and off she went down the stairs. Did she wave? Not a chance.)

B. The Half-Hand Wave
In British culture this is the classic goodbye wave performed by people who are very familiar with each other. It involves holding the forearm at a straight ninety-degree angle, as in the Straight Hand Wave, but the fingers are folded repeatedly and quickly into the palm. It has childish overtones and as such is only usually performed during family partings or goodbyes to lovers.

C. The Full-On Goodbye Wave
This is the big one. Leap in the air, wave your arm about as if it was on fire, waggle your fingers as if it was going out of style (I’ve never understood that phrase), and generally beam and gesticulate in the direction of the departee. Most commonly seen at concerts and during alcohol-fueled evenings out with university mates.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Polish person indulge in the big wave, except when Jan Pawel II was involved. Again, I could be completely wrong.

D. The Royal Wave
You’re probably not going to believe this but there is a particular form of waving that is exclusively associated with royalty (i.e. ER II). The Royal Wave involves the familiar right-handed angle of the forearm but the hand is clenched with fingers together and rotates at the wrist in a slow and, necessarily regal, manner. Nobody known where the blessed Elizabeth, head of our nation, got the idea for this wave but it was an absolutely genius invention.

Your actual Royal Wave from your actual royal. There must be a vid somewhere but I couldn’t find one.

Imagine unexpectedly driving slowly past a group of friends or associates on the street. The Royal Wave can be performed to great comic effect. It implies “I am being regally driven around while you hoi polloi are languishing on the pavement.” It’s powerfully connected with the car-myth that causes so much annoyance and physical injury in modern societies and about which I may one day get around to writing.